Family
by gwingwin
Summary: Christmas fic! It's Christmas day, and Naboo is feeling unusually affectionate towards his friends. Howince and so much more...


**Christmas fic! Inspired by Chalcy's delectable Christmas offering, hope you enjoy!**

**D/C: Well, I've asked Santa, so hopefully... **

Family

Xooberonians weren't meant to have families. That was a point proved emphatically by certain parts of their anatomy or rather the _lack of _certain parts of anatomy. Smooth as the bonnet of a Porsche indeed. But as Naboo surveyed the collection of people around him, all clustered around a long table Bollo had produced from nowhere, eating Christmas dinner, he couldn't help but feel a sense of... Well. To the untrained eye they no doubt looked like a typical family.

All the stereotypes were there, The Long-Married Bickering Couple, for instance. They were at each others throats all through lunch, but would show just how in love they still were when ridiculously thoughtful presents would be produced later – Dennis and Methusala. They were sniping at each other now, over bites of turkey and roast potatoes, but their shared smiles said more than their insults ever would. The couple had managed to get over the whole nasty extreme-sports-calendar-model-in-a-cupboard-business, and were stronger for it, both claiming they deeply regretted their actions.

The same could not be said for Howard and Vince. The extreme-sports-calendar-model-in-a-cupboard-business had turned out nicely for them; The Newly Loved Up Couple. Naboo had been seriously considering going back in time and stopping that whole mistletoe thing from ever becoming a tradition, when Howard and Vince spent the entire morning doing nothing but snogging furiously under a strategically placed sprig of the stupid plant – Naboo suspected Bollo of putting it there, but even the gorilla had started to look distinctly ill as the sickeningly sweet couple continued. They had stopped now, thank God, to eat lunch, sat at the end of the table in their own little world. You could just hear Vince's frequent giggles in the background, and if you happened to look, you would see their hands linked together under the table. Naboo watched Howard feed Vince a piece of turkey and had to try at repressing a smile. He was happy for them really.

The One Who Would Get Off His Tits And Start Shouting The Odds. Ah, Tony. He'd been tipsy when he'd arrived, and had been heavy on the mulled wine ever since, although Naboo suspected he might be adding a little something of his own. Vodka perhaps, or drain cleaner. He was currently locked in a furious debate with Saboo (The Christmas Is Shit Anyway One) over the proper way to treat a lady. As if either of them knew. Naboo wondered how long it would take to turn violent. He estimated that Saboo was one glass of eggnog away from taking Tony to the Crunch and leaving him there. That in mind, he offered him another drink.

The One Who Clearly Didn't Want To Be There But Had Been Dragged Along Regardless, Kirk, had unfortunately been seated next to him. Naboo had tried twice to engage the freak in conversation, and then given up. He couldn't be arsed to put in to much of an effort and he had Pete on his other side to chat to. Pete was busy being The Shy One, but with a few questions on scart leads and the like he soon came out of his shell. Bless him. At least he was sure of one decent present, Dixons workers got 55% off.

Lester – The Loud Old One Who No-one Had The Heart To Tell To Shut Up – was recalling his days as a jazz soldier to a bemused Bollo (who was attempting to be The Comedian, but failing) and Leroy (The Blokey One.) Naboo thought briefly of rescuing him, but decided not to bother. What with Howard unaware that there was anyone else in the room but Vince, the jazzy octogenarian didn't have anyone to talk to, and Bollo could just think of Mandril Wives if he got bored... Naboo pulled a face. He didn't need to think that.

Soon the meal was over, and they all crowed into the living room, for present opening. Howard was sat in an armchair, with Vince sat on the floor between his legs looking for all the world like an excited child. Dennis and Methusalua were curled up together on the couch, with an unperturbed Kirk beside them. Saboo had another armchair, and much to his displeasure, Tony Harrison was perched on the arm... could things with tentacles perch? Everyone else grabbed a selection of chairs from the kitchen, to make a haphazard sort of circle around the tree (the first real one they'd ever had, normally Vince insisted on an artificial one in whatever was the most "in" colour at the time, that only he was aloud to decorate, lest it be unfashionable.) Vince had become more relaxed about that sort of thing since he and Howard had got together. He hadn't even straightened his hair today, he'd been to excited, only giving in a quick root boost and artfully mussing it up.

"Who wants to go first?" asked Naboo gesturing at the large pile of presents. Everyone looked at Vince, who grinned a little shyly, before reaching out grabbing a present. He unwrapped a neon pink pimped up extension lead. Apparently normal ones couldn't cope with the power the Jean-Claude Jaquetti 5000 required.

"Aw, cheers Pete, that's genius!" said Vince, beaming. Pete gave an awkward sort of nod and Naboo smiled to himself. Might Hawks really have nothing on Dixons.

3 pairs of platforms boots, various belts, bags, hats and hair products, tickets to some pretty high profile gigs, a Gary Numan remastered CD and a particularly stunning lightening bolt pendant (Howard) later, Vince was practically euphoric. Naboo hoped he had liked the Mick Jagger album. He had definitely seemed pleased.

The afternoon continued in much the same way. The rare jazz record Vince got Howard caused a kissing scene that went from "Aw" to "Eurgh" rather rapidly, and the pair at least had the good grace to look slightly bashful as they pulled away. Naboo himself received the Special Edition Peacock Dreams boxed set and some excellent Fleetwood Mac albums, not to mention a brand new camera (nice one Pete.) Saboo and Tony almost came to blows over a The Who CD, that was marked To: Saboo and Tony From: Kirk. Everyone had been especially surprised at Kirk actually buying anyone anything (he was still giving no sign he even knew what dimension he was in.) Naboo smiled as the two men (men?) fought. Kirk had an excellent sense of humor when he could be bothered, Naboo doubted either them even _liked _The Who.

"Name one song, Tony, one song!"

"I- err... Talking About My Generation! Now give me the CD!"

"Oh everyone knows that one, that proves nothing you flipping cleft!"

"Oh well then why don't you name one then, you slag!"

"I don't have to explain myself to ball men like you Tony. Kirk clearly meant the album for me, my name's first on the label!"

"What! That doesn't mean anything! Kirk, tell him. Kirk! KIRK!"

Soon after Saboo and Tony had calmed down (Leroy said he'd burn another copy) The Gatecrasher arrived in the form of Bob Fossil. How he got up the stairs and into the flat, Naboo didn't want to know. Bollo got to his feat slightly unsteadily (Naboo suspected he'd been at Tony's special mulled wine) ready to throw him out again instantly.

"Oi Bollo, come on, it's Christmas. Let 'im stay."

Fossil beamed at Vince, who smiled back in a creeped out way before getting up from the floor to sit on Howard instead. Unsurprisingly, Howard didn't seem to mind. Pictionary was then produced from somewhere, which obviously ending in many arguments, "How is that Pirates Of The Carribean? It looks like a slightly dazed unicorn!" and Howard and Vince winning by miles because they seemed to be able to read each others thoughts. Naboo thought it was slightly unfair really, he hadn't known what most of his were. What the hell was Twilight?

It got late, and people (people?) started to leave, each congratulating Naboo on the fine Christmas he had orchestrated. The last to leave were Tony and Saboo (why the Monkey Hell were they sharing a lift home?) and Bob Fossil who everyone had to give relentless evils to for a full ten minutes before he got the hint and left. By now Vince and Howard were tipsy and over amorous again, Bollo was happily fiddling with his new DJ equipment and Naboo was wondering what _he_ was. Everyone had had a role today, who was he?

Vince got up from Howard's lap rather clumsily, pulling the jazzy northerner up with him. "That, Naboo, was genius. You are an _amazing _host."

"Yeah, great hosting Naboo!" Howard just managed to call out over his shoulder as Vince pulled him to their bedroom saying something about "thanking you properly for that necklace."

Ah. So he was The Host. Thinking back over the day, Naboo decided he had quite enjoyed hosting. And he was pretty amazing at it too.

**Any idea how to spell Methusala? Me neither. Reviews are like Christmas presents!**


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